over

i am officially done teaching.  that is weird.

don't annoy me.

It never ceases to amaze me how ridiculously students behave.  It also never ceases to amaze me how big of idiots they can be.  I mean, I understand that adolescence is the time for testing the boundaries of thoughtless actions, but the impulsiveness with which many of my kids act on a daily basis continues to manifest itself in new and exciting ways.

Take my (least) favorite male student for example.   We have been working on an election project in Government the entire week.  Students have very specific roles within their group (candidate, running mate, press secretary, etc.) with very specific jobs (submitting daily campaign briefs, designing the campaign website, etc.), and they must work together in effort to elect their group's candidate.  This specific student's role was Marketing Director, a title in which he undoubtedly thought it could excel because of his painstakingly constructed faux-hawk and tested success in spewing absolute bullshit. 

On the first day, the MD was given the task of head designer of the "large campaign poster", aka a large piece of colored roller paper decorated with crayons and markers.  There were other students available to help with the logistics of the advertisement, but the MD was the primary author of the slogan and had the final say in any artwork.  The candidate for this student's group, a female, has a last name that rhymes with "oh".  This student took it upon himself to begin creating a poster that said "vote for X cause she's a ho" and claimed to be quite confused when I nearly choked after reading it.  He then had to start over with a new piece of paper because I had accidentally stomped on and ripped his poster. whoops.

On the third day of the project, many students were working on computers to direct and record a series of short videos.  These videos were supposed to represent TV commercials, one with a biographical purpose and the other two as "attack ads".  The MD was instructed to work with the Press Secretary to write and record these videos, using the webcams on the laptops to film.  (Least) favorite student was working individually on his computer, apparently looking very busy, but then suddenly stood up as if he had just sat on a cactus.  His laptop in his hands, he shouted "hey *Bob*, catch!" to the classmate next to him and proceeded to actually toss the computer at the other student.  Thank the big Guy above, Bob actually caught the computer, looking at it in his hands with a look of mixed surprise and pride.  As much as I wanted to pause and praise the superb hand-eye coordination of the innocent bystander, my attention instead went to the gleeful and sickly satisfied smile on the mug of my (least) favorite student.  The sting of anger swept over me like a fiery mess, a ball of which I wanted to absolutely hurl at his face.  I rarely shout at students, but OH DID I SHOUT.   I think he first thought I was kidding, but perhaps the certain color of purple that my face undoubtedly turned gave him a hint of my true intentions.  After spending some quality time in the hallway, receiving a zero for that part of the project, and having a short but meaningful conversation my (much more calm) self, I asked him a single question as he was walking out the door.

Me: "LFStudent, what are you NOT going to do tomorrow?"
LFS: "uhhh.....throw computers?"
Me: "Oh no, let's be much more general than that"
LFS: "abuse things in the classroom?"
Me: "nope, still too specific"
LFS: "umm i honestly don't....."
Me: "ANNOY ME.  YOU WILL NOT ANNOY ME."
LFS: "Oh, yeah....ok....heh heh...no problem Ms. Rab...<runs out the door after his classmates>".

I long for the days when I was at least paid $9/hour to deal with stuck-up, sassy, diaper-wearing brats.  Seemingly, the only difference now is that the shit spews from their mouths instead of their asses. And that I get paid nothing.

Catching up or barely hanging on...

So close, but still so far! This week is spring break (thank you thank you thank you thank you), which means that I am thinking a lot about how I should be spending my time doing one of the following:
1. lesson planning
2. grading homework
3. grading projects
4. applying for summer jobs
5. applying for teaching jobs
6. perfecting my resume
7. getting my resume professionally printed
8. working on my portfolio
9. catching up on the three MSU projects that I am embarrassingly behind on
10. laundry
11. cleaning my disgustingly filthy room
12. organizing my life

Instead, I am significantly more likely to be doing one of the following:
1. eating
2. sleeping
3. coaching
4. playing hockey
5. watching mindless TV (watched an episode of "Prison Wives" today on Oprah's Network.  Addicting.)
6. eating
7. going on Facebook
8. an assortment of other really important tasks, like updating my blog.

So....I've got that going for me. 

Let's turn away from my own shortcomings and reflect on those of my students.  These are much more exciting. 

• (OPEN NOTE) quiz question: "Define political party".  Student answer: "A party where people talk about politics". 
  
• Worksheet question: "What city would host your the 2012 National Convention for your political party?" Student answer: "Virginia".
  
• Discussion question: "Who did we gain independence from in the Revolutionary War?" Student  answer: "Canada".
  
• Me to student: "Yeah, I remember a few questions on my AP test about Bill Clinton". Student: "Clinton?  When was he President?"
  
• stupid small-group icebreaker activity: If you could be any eating/cooking utensil, what would you be and why?  EX: "I would be a wisk because I like to mix things up." 
• (impulsively autistic) Student A: "I would be a knife...so I could CUT and STAB (shouting) ANYONE who gets IN MY WAY."....this was said to her small group members, so I did my best to curtail my uncontrollable laughter and thankfully watched the special ed coteacher take care of it.
• (class clown) Student B: "I would be a knife...cause I get a lot of cut"....get in the hallway, Student B. 
• (loveable, goofy) Student C: "I would be a nutcracker, cause I bash a lot of nuts"....(death stare from me)..."Should I join Student B in the hallway?"...great idea.
• (pretty quiet) Student D: "I would be a spork"...(his group member, and my least favorite student all day) Student E: "Yeah, cause you go both ways"...hallway.
  

So I went out into the hall and greeted  the idiots with a piece of paper and pen each, told them to write their names on them and title the page "Dear Mom and Dad".  Letters had to include what they said and why they said it.  I then collected them and kept them safe until parent-teacher conferences two days later.

I suppose this is what I get when I expect high schoolers to be able to appreciate silly ice breaker activities, but I'm not too worried.  I thoroughly enjoyed myself seeing those three sweat it out over the next few days.  Gotta love delayed consequences.


So...back to that list of things to do.